nausea, dead cat, grief, j-pop

being nauseous

I was feeling invulnerable about ten hours ago, but now I feel sick. I haven't vomited yet and can't say for sure I will or won't, it is a close call. Vomiting is nothing to be worried about, nausea is the trouble. Its slow bastard waves, it creates little islands of kindness. When I am nauseous I think about the poor lovely cat I spent a sizable life period with, who's passing from the world still hits me with a sort of immediate grief. He was called Charlie (not my choice, but it worked. It may be better for other people to name pets, so that we don't feel we are involved somehow in forming their personalities, But don't cats often become mirrors of you or your surroundings?) Charlie used to vomit when he had over-indulged, partly this was a species-specific trait (siamese), but also his original owners were thought to be responsible, probably a rich arabic family, the little boy seeing the cat as a toy, constant unsuitable foods, &tc. In the last two years of his life, he attained constant purring.

When nauseous, I indulge a weakness for J-pop. I only like the stuff sung by women. The only male J-pop I like is the theme to the ridiculously upsetting drama "one litre of tears". I am not sure there is anything more upsetting than that drama. it anticipates all possible future griefs. Actually I recall, a film I think, that inspired a constant state, a stupor, of awe at the ridiculous sadness being transmitted. Can't recall the title or anything. Well grief is like a shock extended through time. Not piece-meal, but continuously whole.

What film was it though?

As the Neutral Milk Hotel goes "how strange it is to be anything at all"

Grave of the Fireflies or however it is translated these days is ridiculously upsetting. When the Wind Blows! Crazy film! I find My Neighbour Tottoro upsetting, not because of any particular event in the film, but in the way it shows childhood. Well it's a place now inaccessible. There was apparently an incredibly sad piece of fan fiction about the two main characters returning to the tottoro locale ten years later. I think it was in "tale of the O.V.A. fiend", or was it "cajun sushi bar"? I never read these things, because I didn't know how to use cheques at the time.

The J-pop woman song "tanoshiku, tanoshiku, yasashiku ne" by (nervous breakdown victim and then sort of disappeared from the "scene") Tomomi Kahala is my current favourite for nausea management. It has a certain dignified poise, dare I say a stoicness? I dare, if stoicness is a word. stoic-ish. Stoically, I dare.

The nausea is passing. I have managed not to vomit. I switch off.